Early in my career, I was always frustrated that I never got clear answers from leadership, that they always seemed to have safe things to say about situations, and how they were always even-keeled about everything. This came across to me as dishonest; I felt that if they could just be honest with me, their organization would be much more unified and effective in accomplishing their goals.

Then, almost a decade ago I went from being a Staff Engineer Individual Contributor to an Engineering Director with an organization of around 75 people in the span of about nine months, and I totally understood.

The more people you lead, the more your every action and reaction is magnified by those you lead.

What does your face say when you’re not talking?

One day I had an argument with my wife before work, and I went in and was in a bad mood in the several meetings I had that day. By the end of the day, someone asked me if layoffs were on the horizon. I was surprised by the question. They were taking my mood to mean something else. They had magnified my facial expressions, tone, and demeanor into something more. I reassured them that everything was fine and apologized for the mixed signals.

I once had a skip-level leader who had a habit of making a confused and surprised face every time he thought your idea was stupid. He was very nice otherwise, but that potentially subconscious facial-tell signaled to everyone in his organization what the “right” answers were to the questions he was asking. Pretty soon he only received answers he agreed with, which is a great thing if your only goal is to feel smart, but it’s a horrible thing if you are actually trying to run a 200+ organization, like he was. His goal wasn’t to feel smart, but his facial expressions were magnified into an outcome that he really didn’t want: a sycophantic organization that mirrored his own weaknesses.

Are you asking questions or testing for the right answers?

I had a CTO when I was at a large company who asked smart, direct questions in every meeting that exposed the true nature of the technical problems at hand and left everyone clear on what the next technical steps were. He clearly felt he was smart; the room seemed to agree. But over time, his questions had an effect of disengaging his next-level of leadership. Instead of owning and critically thinking through our path forward and seeking to align with his vision, we found ourselves spending time preparing for his questions and making sure we kept him happy. His questions were magnified into disengagement by his VP-level leadership.

What makes executive presence empathetic?

So these days when I see a leader who is calm, collected, and whose opinions I can’t easily read, I actually feel a bit relieved. While once I thought that this was a sign of dishonesty from them, today I take it as a sign of empathy.

They even have a name for this: executive presence. It’s the ability to act in a way where others are confident in your leadership such that they focus on the problem or outcome, not on your own reactions or opinions.

Conclusion

Leaders are at their best providing the room for their teams to think, process, and do their best work. And because the more people they have in their organizations, the more that their actions are magnified, they need to be very intentional about any emotion they choose to show. This doesn’t mean that they shouldn’t be human. The best leaders show their emotions with sensitivity and thoughtfulness. The most empathetic course of action for leaders is to first consider the emotions of the team before disclosing their own. An empathetic leader will understand the gravity and ripple effect of these emotions.